Written by Rochelle Manor
Michiganders are used to dark, cold winters. We dread the fall time change, bringing 5:00 pm sunsets and kids cooped up indoors after dinner. The older we get, the more our joints ache from December to March, and pushing grocery carts through slushy, icy parking lots gets harder to do.
For many, winter also brings depression, loneliness, and sadness. While TV commercials promise smiles and family love if we buy the right products or serve the right foods, we all know the disappointment when our own families don’t appreciate it with the same enthusiasm as the TV actors. Many families fall into the illusion that buying big presents or doing all the holiday events is what will create great memories for our children. But do you remember your favorite holiday gift when you were 5, 10, or 13?
Sometimes, this season does not bring back nice memories or opportunities to spend with beloved family. Some have experienced grief and loss (death, divorce, moves, estrangement, separation due to addiction). Darkness is not just the lack of sunlight but the deep sadness and ache.
Winter in the Midwest is a time of darkness and quiet. The Winter Solstice is the longest night of the year (on December 21), and nature brings us this time for a reason. The land needs the winter to rejuvenate for spring crops, trees need a season of dormancy, and snow absorbs sound and makes the landscape literally quieter. People, too, need seasons of quiet.
Nature teaches us about resilience. The bear awakes from hibernation, sap flows through the trees again, and sunlight warms the earth.
Winter is a time when we can really appreciate light. We decorate our houses and neighborhoods with lights, we decorate trees in our living rooms, and we light candles and sit around the fireplace.
Winter is also a time when we appreciate the light of relationships.
The Surgeon General warns that loneliness is just as dangerous to your health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Yet, our society is the most isolated in history. Illusions of “connectedness” on social media, countless hours of “content” online or on TV, and endless to-do lists make us think we are being productive. But Americans are lonelier than ever before. We are losing hope, there is no light at the end of the tunnel, and negative self-talk and bitterness toward others overcome our thoughts.
This season of darkness has the potential to be the darkest. Many will face thoughts of suicide. Many will forget that there is hope for the future. Many do not realize they can be resilient enough to get through this dark season.
Still, winter and seasons of darkness are not to steal our hope. We know the light is coming again.
Winter is a time for quiet and reflection. Hope for the New Year is just around the corner. Many religions focus attention on hope and love during this time of year. Families often take time to connect and be together over the holidays.
While we may not remember the exact gifts we receive, we remember the traditions and the people. The repeated things and events that made your family gatherings unique. Those hand-made ornaments that your grandmother kept and insisted on putting on the tree year after year. The corny jokes that your crazy uncle thought were funny and told at every holiday gathering. The retelling of family stories from before you were born. The intentionality of being together made the time special, regardless of gifts or how much food was available.
Remember things like this and look for the light. Find the person to share a smile, greeting, or even a few cents in the red kettle. Make the effort to reach out to someone who may be lonely. Express your gratitude to someone who has been there for you. And be there for someone who needs your wisdom or warm caring.
In psychology, the term “self-efficacy” means that you believe you have a say in your life. You have the power to act to achieve your goals. Those who make New Year’s Resolutions believe – at least for a few weeks – that they have the opportunity and ability to make changes. So, let this be the time when you reflect on what changes you want in your life and relationships. It’s not just a resolution but resiliency and hope that allow us to move in that direction.
BRAINS exists to “maximize potential” and bring understanding to everyone – no matter how complex the dynamics may seem. If you know someone who is lonely, aching from loss or isolation, please reach out. Your act may be the light they need to be reminded of.
BRAINS is here to help. Our therapists are here to support you toward a brighter year ahead.