Due in part to cost of living and mental health concerns, a growing number of young adults continue to live with their parents.
For some, this is a beneficial and healthy relationship. But for others, a continued reliance on parents can be related to poor executive functioning and emotional regulation issues.
Difficulty “launching” is even more challenging for people affected by ADHD, Autism Spectrum Disorder, depression/anxiety, or trauma. Brain development and maturation of many skills are delayed or halted and won’t “just catch up” without specific instruction and support.
At BRAINS, we can help parents learn to address these concerns with their children through individual or family therapy and specialized testing. We can also evaluate whether your child has a learning disability, emotional regulation issues, or a mental health condition that may impact their ability to live independently and leave the nest.
Reasons for “delayed” launch
While young adults today graduate college at higher rates and have higher wages, they have more debt than their parents did. And housing costs have skyrocketed since the pandemic, making it harder for young adults to move out and live on their own.
Purposefully making financial decisions allows parents to set their children up for success. Yet, sometimes the dynamics are not consciously chosen. The pandemic altered our culture, high school/college experiences, and opportunities.
According to Pew Research & U.S. Census Bureau:
- More than 32% of young adults live with their parents
- 1 in 3 American adults ages 18 to 34 live with parents
- 1/3 of adults in their early 30s are financially dependent on their parents to some extent
The number of adult children living at home is higher than it’s been since the Great Depression.
Executive Functioning and Emotion Management are the two primary sets of skills needed for successful life as adults. In some cases, children have developmental delays and mood disorders that can interfere with executive functioning and emotional management.
But in other scenarios, it may be that a young adult has been coddled, not given age-appropriate responsibilities, or not made to face consequences of poor decisions. As parents, the goal is to model good behavior, encourage children to make independent decisions, and give them the tools to succeed as an adult.
What is executive functioning?
Executive Functioning (EF) is a set of cognitive skills and self-regulation skills that people use every day to plan, manage time, and organize.
EF has to do with managing oneself and one’s resources in order to achieve a goal. It is an umbrella term for the neurologically-based skills involving mental control and self-regulation.
There are three main areas of executive function. They are:
- Working memory (short-term memory)
- Cognitive flexibility (mental flexibility or flexible thinking)
- Inhibitory control (self-control)
Executive function allows us to:
- Pay attention and focus on multiple streams of information at the same time
- Organize, plan, and prioritize
- Start tasks and stay focused on them to completion
- Understanding different points of view – make decisions in light of available information
- Regulating emotions – resist the urge to let frustration lead to hasty actions
- Self-monitoring (keeping track of what you are doing and shifting your behavior based on self-evaluation)
- Revise plans as necessary
How executive functioning skills develop
Executive functioning skills don’t just develop spontaneously, but are modeled and taught.
Children are, by nature, impulsive and self-focused. However, by 5 or 6 years old, children can learn to delay gratification, focus on long-term goals even if they require short-term sacrifice or discomfort, and calm their own emotional reactions.
Scenario: A family member calls and invites you and your family to a weekend at the lake.
Here are some examples of how parents can model and teach executive functioning skills:
1. Inhibition: The ability to stop one’s own behavior at the appropriate time, including stopping actions and thoughts. The flip side of inhibition is impulsivity; if you have weak ability to stop yourself from acting on your impulses, then you are “impulsive.”
When Aunt Judy calls, you are super excited about a free weekend at the lake. But rather than just saying “Yes” right away, you tell her, “Let me check the calendar first. It sounds great, but I just need to look at everybody’s schedules before I commit the whole family.”
Delaying decision making or waiting to make a commitment until all the details are addressed is important. Rather than acting impulsively, this sets a good example. This reaffirms you take time to reflect, consider other people’s feelings and schedules, and can set boundaries or say no when an activity will not work for you or the family.
2. Shift: The ability to move freely from one situation to another and to think flexibly in order to respond appropriately to the situation.
In order for your family to leave for the weekend, you need someone to look after the dog. Talk this through out loud, letting the children know how you begin generating possible solutions.
You illustrate how you were able to solve the problem or why you have to decline the offer at the lake if there is no option for taking care of the dog.
3. Emotional Control: The ability to modulate emotional responses by bringing rational thought to bear on feelings.
If the details can’t be worked out with schedules/prior commitments or taking care of the dog, the family will be disappointed to miss the weekend at the lake. Rather than being negative, model emotion management. It’s ok to be disappointed and sad, but not take it out on others with harsh words or “bad attitude.”
4. Initiation: The ability to begin a task or activity and to independently generate ideas, responses, or problem-solving strategies.
In order to secure a dog-sitter for the weekend, you have to contact and ask for help as soon as possible and not procrastinate. While you may have ideas of who can assist, you have to text, call, or email the people to see if they can commit before you can commit to the weekend at the lake.
5. Working memory: The capacity to hold information in mind for the purpose of completing a task.
It may take time to review all the family members’ schedules and secure a dog-sitter. You need to remember to confirm with the family member if you are able to come or not, and write it on the family calendar so that nothing else gets scheduled. Remembering the date, details of the event, and process for confirming may be kept in working memory.
6. Planning/Organization: The ability to manage current and future-oriented task demands.
Once the weekend is confirmed, you need to have a strategy regarding details. For example, adding things to a shopping list if you are to bring food to share, packing list for beach/lake and various activities, writing information for the dog-sitter, getting address/directions to the lake.
7. Organization of Materials: The ability to impose order on work, play, and storage spaces.
Packing for the weekend may begin far in advance (such as packing beach gear and clothes ahead of time in a spare room or corner). But it also involves last-minute packing of coolers, the vehicle, and family.
Creating lists and organizing things in easily accessible containers allows space to be utilized efficiently, comfortably, and making sure nothing is forgotten. Prompt/help children to create their own lists for packing clothes, toys, activities. Brainstorm together as a family to ensure everyone is thinking about all the domains (clothes, personal hygiene, toys/books, snacks, etc.)
8. Self-Monitoring: The ability to monitor one’s own performance and to measure it against some standard of what is needed or expected.
If details aren’t thought through and handled ahead of time, the family may be overly stressed getting ready for the weekend away. Being able to recognize your stress, as well as those around you, can offer clues as to how successful you have been.
Example adapted from Late, Lost, and Unprepared by Joyce Cooper-Kahn, Phd. and Laurie Dietzel, Ph.D.
Other resources and reading materials
Executive functioning has to do with how you think, organize, and manage activities in daily life. Using strategies and tools (checklists, budgets, calendars) are essential to prioritizing and managing the multiple aspects of adult living.
Other great resources regarding teaching EF skills in children and teens:
- Executive Functioning in Children and Adolescents, by Guare & Dawson
- Executive Functions Training Adolescent, by Lynn A. Drazinski
- The Source for Executive Function Disorders, by Susanne Phillips Keeley (ages 16-adult)
- Executive Functions Training for Elementary, by Carolyn Gottschall and Constance Lund
Helpful websites include:
- Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University: http://developingchild.harvard.edu/key_concepts/executive_function/
- http://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newCDV_59.htm
- Self monitoring: https://www.interventioncentral.org/node/961544
- https://www.theottoolbox.com/self-monitoring-strategies-for-kids/
- http://www.ldonline.org/article/24164 (self-control in kids)
- http://www.ldonline.org/article/6311 (lazy kid or executive functioning?)
- https://www.understood.org/en/learning-attention-issues/child-learning-disabilities/executive-functioning-issues/understanding-executive-functioning-issues
Learn how to address the emotional aspects of successful adult life in the next blog, “Emotional Intelligence and Emotional Regulation.”
We want to see your family thrive! If you need professional advice or would like to schedule an appointment for individual or family counseling or other specialized testing, visit brainspotential.com or call 616-365-8920.